The Cost of Education

Now that I've finished my studies and am currently waiting for my result, I have to begin doing what other students on a study loan should be prepared to do. That is, start paying 'em back. *shiver* When I look at the total amount, I couldn't help but feel a lil' bit helpless and upset at the same time. Helpless because the total amount is fucking huge, to me at least, it's nearly RM 50K as it covered both my studies during my diploma (local) and my 3+0 degree (foreign). Upset because there's this question, gnawing in my head, "Do I get my money's worth?".

Looks like I'll be paying my study loan every month till the day I die or if life is good to me, till I'm ridiculously old, wrinkled and my pee pee could no longer function in the way it supposed to. LOL! Though in this aspect, I'm thankful that I have an option. I can apply for a study loan reduction. Fortunately, they (the organisation I owed money to, I won't say which. I think some of you can guess) have a scheme. Depending on your overall result, you can have your study loan reduced by 20%, 50% or even 100% in which you don't have to pay anything at all. I've heard of students who need not pay back anything at all as they have done exceptionally well in their studies. Their study loans automatically become a scholarship of a sort. I, on the other hand, could not possibly ask for that since I'm just an average student. I'm just hoping I can get a reduction. Any amount of reduction.

Now, to the most burning question of all. "Do I get my money's worth?". I couldn't help but wonder if what I've studied so far is worth that amount of money?! My degree's syllabus is pretty up-to-date, I think. Java is THE most in-demand programming language from what I could gather. My diploma's was kinda outdated. Are there people who still use programming languages such as Pascal and COBOL?!! Studying in some way is like an experience. Where in the end, you acquire something valuable from it; knowledge, skills be it verbal, writing or critical thinking, increased perceptiveness etc. Something of use to apply later in life, which is sooner than what I thought it would be. Out of all the years spent studying, the only thing I'm most proud of is my ability to converse a-d-e-q-u-a-t-e-l-y (note, I still become a mumbling mess when I'm nervous) in English. And that, in return, made me a more outgoing person than what I originally am, an introverted person. Coming from a basically Malay-based medium taught during my diploma to an English-based medium in my degree, I realised the importance of the English language. From what I can observed, Malays are so used to being in their own cliques ( I did the same thing too at one time), they lose out many opportunities in polishing up their language and social skills. Being one out of two Malay dudes in my class (there are no Malay girls!) jolted me to come to the conclusion, you are on the losing end if you stayed in that state of mentality. That was one major reason why I chose to study in a private college instead of public universities and I made that reason clear to my parents. They seemed to agree with me too. However, it is their pockets which suffered the most. Shhhh, but that's not the only reason. The guys in private colleges are so much more cuter too. *drool*

All in all, I still don't know whether the money's worth. Yet, I'm glad I got something out of my studies even though, it's not related to the demands of the IT jobs market. I'll be job-searching soon, definitely not in the field of programming. But, who knows?! That's a whole other story! For now, I am gonna try pushing my luck and enter contests where the prizes is a huge buck load of cash. Hehe!

Friends and Boyfriends!

I'm green with envy with how the Westerners came up with this "sexual experimentation" shit. I mean, it is so easy for them to attribute their philandering ways to this excuse. Having mindless and exhilirating sex regardless of sexuality. Gay, straight or bisexual, I'm sure everyone (not those from around here, of course. But, maybe some of them!) has probably used this excuse before to determine if they are truly what they say they are. If not, they would likely be sex-crazed bastards. Hehe! Me, I know I am attracted to guys but I just don't have the guts to go out and snag me one. I remembered watching a movie (forgot the title) where there's this one guy who talks to a friend (who, by the way, is almost always a female) about being sexually confused. So, his female friend suggested that he might be in a "sexual experimentation" phase. Or is it, he said he IS in a "sexual experimentation" phase??! I've forgotten this minor detail. Then, the guy went about and tried having sex with a guy and a girl. Finally, he determined that he is, in fact, gay. It seemed like it is considered cool abroad. I mean, every teenagers went through a phase of self discovery, right?! If only, the idea of a "sexual experimentation" can be tolerated in this part of the world. Though, religion-wise, it is a sin to have pre-marital sex, let alone man-to-man sex!! So, I wouldn't want to go further into that as I'm inadequate to argue more from that perspective. Having all sort of feelings towards the same sex, innocent or otherwise, is hard enough. To be honest, I've had my fair share of not-so-good sexperiences. However, those are hardly telling at all.

You wouldn't know how easily enamored I am when I see cute guys. Though, my definition of cute maybe different than yours. My kind of cute guys are everywhere. I feel like a kid in a candy store, alas, I don't have the option to pick one for myself. ;p When I go to major shopping malls around KL, my eyes would go crazy. Darting around, spotting cute guys in various shapes and forms. The fact of the matter is, it's so easy for me to have a crush on someone. I seem to have an affection to the kind of men who is a guy's guy. He, who might be unaware of how good looking he is. (By the way, vanity is one of my virtue. I think I'm cute. LOL!) Ironically, he, who takes great care of his mind, body and soul. A person who is well-learned and has many life experiences. I don't care how cliched that sounds but that's the way I like my guys. I'm inexperienced, I need that extra guidance. ;p

He is tall (not necessarily, though), fair or tan, has clear complexion (I don't at the moment, but what the heck! It is getting better, though), has facial or no facial hair, athletic build not those muscle-mary kind (I'm open to any type of physical shape as long as it's appropriate), has a certain boyish, rugged charm and has a nice smile. You might notice most of the physical aspect focuses on the face. Yup, I'm a "face-guy" if there is such a thing. These are among the attributes that would usually get my admiring glance . And, when I spotted this kind of guys among the crowd, you know, I would give him a second look. This may make me sound like I am superficial, however, you cannot deny in this day and age, first impression counts. After that, it all boils down to chemistry. And, it is this part I'm having trouble with. The process of getting to know a guy is just so nerve-wrecking for me. Me, making the first move??! Don't count on it. I bet my own ass I would make a fool out of myself. I'm still young and I definitely don't want to rush into things. By blogging, I intend to get to know more gay friends. That is, first and foremost, my main intention. I have made some and I thanked them for sharing with me their thoughts and opinions here. If a friendship can evolve to something more substantial, it would be great. If not, it wouldn't bother me at all. Care to make the first move on me?? :D

I'm Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a big OOPS moment!! I have forgotten that I have a blog. So, spank me!! ;p I've been REALLY busy in the last one month with my final year project. To say I toiled over it relentlessly is an overstatement. Procrastination has again reared its ugly head. Originally, I have wanted to change topic but my lecturer would not let me. Now, the very same topic is literally bringing me down. Why, oh why, do I have to choose this topic while everyone else in my class is doing common applications like DVD rental system, Hotel Reservation System and etc. It's finally over today with a presentation of my project. However, I felt like I came short. I thought the system I have developed is sufficiently efficient when in fact it's not. The documentation I have prepared along with it doesn't quite match with what I have been able to prepare before. I have always take pride in my somewhat average writing skills. Somehow, it has let me down. Doing a topic which is extremely riddled with complicated variables, I began doing my project a month before the due date. I should have started months ago. I blamed my sorry ass for believing I can actually do it in time.

Courtesy of The Pretty Boys Club

My project presentation was a bummer. Instead of me excelling in answering questions spouting from the mouths of the lecturers, I mumbled nervously as I tried really hard to come up with intelligent answers while at the same trying hard NOT to project a "blur" expression on my face. I'm SCREWED big time. This incident has definitely made me question whether the field of IT is indeed for me??!! I'm not good at solving problems and I f***ing hate programming. I chose IT because I thought I have what it takes to make it. I guess I don't have what it takes. I spent three years studying for this degree. I just hope I will get a pass if not better. I'm scared to think whether I can make it. I'm SO f***ed!!!